theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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