I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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