I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
