Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I AM VODKA MAN
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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