Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
