I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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