I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
