Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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