Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
