your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
