i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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