This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There's always time for handjobs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I lost the right to judge tonight
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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