I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
