who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
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Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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