question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i out mim tonsoeep
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