Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
