i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They have beer where we have blood.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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