Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
foreskin is a definite game changer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
