The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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