in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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