it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize