I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
