Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
