Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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