Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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