yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
