I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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