3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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