Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
