She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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