Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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