Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
