I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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