he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
