i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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