I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
