Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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