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You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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