it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
