I puked a lego.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize