The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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