so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
