Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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