the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
