I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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