Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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