Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dick very happy bro
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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