CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
