I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
