you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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