Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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