I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.