Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
