Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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